Fire Department Rank Definitions


Author Unknown

Chief
Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a ladder truck. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives Policy to GOD.
Assistant Chief
Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Is more powerful than a pumper. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks with GOD.
Deputy Chief
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a pumper. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in indoor swimming pools. Talks with GOD if special request is approved.
Engineer
Barely clears Quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with pumpers. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by GOD.
Captain
Makes high marks on buildings when trying to leap them. Is run over by a pumper. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles in swimming pools. Talks with animals.
Lieutenant
Runs into buildings when trying to leap them. Recognizes pumpers two out of three times. Is not allowed to use guns. Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of a life jacket. Talks to walls.
Sergeant
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Points and says, “Look at the pretty fire engine.” Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to himself.
FireFighter
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks fire engines and equipment out of the way. Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance.
He is GOD.
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